The UK Christian Singles Community.

We have a list. Maybe a list we never put to paper, but certainly a number of criteria for the guy or girl of our dreams. But lets not kid ourselves, they do too...

The variations are endless: looks, interests, sense of humor, chemistry, pay-checks, education, life aspirations, ethnicity – there are a million things we are all looking for. The one quality we sometimes overlook, is probably the most important...are they in one piece? Are they a whole, healthy person? ...and come to mention it, are we?

In this two part article, we are going to take a whole new look at health and wholeness in the dating arena.

Is anyone perfect? No, of course not. We are not looking for perfection, but what we are looking for is someone who is essentially healthy and for someone who is pursuing healthiness.

Identity is formed largely from experience. Traumatic experiences from 0-5 years old can create fractures in a persons personality, where they learn to use different parts of themselves to cope with stressful situations. These fractures can be evident for the rest of their lives if it is not resolved. Usually, people learn their identity from what they think the most important person in their world thinks about them. It is speculative, but fed by real information. A girl who needs quality time to feel loved and who has an absent father (emotionally or physically) will often determine that they are unlovable. A boy who is told by his favorite teacher that he can always do better, that he is lazy, that he will never amount to anything, is likely to spend the rest of his life battling with these accusations. Untruths formulated over time create a lens through which we see ourselves and the world. A lack of felt unconditional love will create insecurity and an inability to process love and people correctly.

Why is personal health and wholeness so important to a relationship? People with unresolved personal issues that effect who they are, what they think and how they behave, are less likely to create a healthy relationship. Unresolved hurt, destructive learned behaviors and untruths will effect a person's environment and the people within it. For example, inherent fear and mistrust can become visible in a multitude of forms such as repression, anger, violence, manipulation, control, suspicion and depression. Who a person is on the inside, will eventually manifest on the outside.

When an individual is broken or hurt without a chance to heal, they look to get their worth and identity from outside of themselves. Most often this is in the form of relationships. Being a person's reason, their solution and their fulfillment makes you God in their world. This may feel good for all of five minutes, but then it will become a living nightmare. You are not God and you cannot fulfill someone like God does. It will be no fun for either of you when you discover that you don't have what it takes to fulfill them. When you fail, the relationship may also fail, and they will seek what they need somewhere else.

Oftentimes we just think 'If I just love them enough, it will fix them' but this isn't true if they never connect with Father God and find out the truth of what He thinks about them. Whilst they continue to believe untruths about themselves, your love will not 'fix' them. If you ever hear “this is just the way I am” as an explanation for unhealthy behavior...RUN!

So how do we know who we are dating? People become very good at showing what the world wants to see. We need to look a bit deeper and we need to take time. You need to see each-other in varied environments and situations. The healthier you are the easier it will be for you to feel unhealthy situations around you. What happens when you create boundaries? What happens during stressful or 'scary' situations? What happens when they are confronted about something? What do they do when they don't get their own way? How do they talk about other people and themselves? How free are you in the relationship? How confident are they around people of authority? Remember, whilst promoting and protecting the other person is always the goal, we are also gauging whether they are the right person at the right time for us. You have to value yourself, your time and your love for you to ever love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Read Part Two